The Naysayer...
Welcome once more to Freaky February! As promised please find enclosed yet another offering of the freakish and the bizarre! I have been gone for far too long, turning this way and that as change sweeps across all that I know, revealing in its wake a landscape that is familiar yet wholly uncharted.... unemployment. This creepy little fiend, dubbed 'Naysayer' finds me back on the hunt in 2012, looking for work in fresh places. Once more, like so many of us from the Australian games industry I'm navigating my way about the dust bowl, scounging here and there... looking for a fresh kill to scavenge... (too freaky?) So when leaving for more abundant hunting grounds is not an option momentarily, it can be easy to feel doubt... but you just can't give in.
We all of us, no matter who we are, at one stage in Life or another, experience self doubt. Doubt in our career direction, doubt in what we really want, and (specifically where art is concerned) doubt in our own abilities. Nagging self doubt is for me (without a doubt) worse than a tangible crisis :) It's a time when that intrusive, secreted monster coiled deep within you stirs, rising to scale the ladder of your spine and take up residence within your Spirit... 'He' comes at you in sections, through dark and irrational places, herding fears like a shepherd through your Mind, and once he gets his hooks in, he can be very hard to shake. In that nagging, Nay-Sayer voice he spits in your ear; "You can't do it." Whatever 'it' may be...
Self doubt and the feeling that you're really behind the 8-ball skill wise (much like the pursuit of perfection) seems to come hand in hand with many of the art disciplines. It's that age old curse of self deprecation. Humility is a beautiful quality and is to be admired, but specifically self doubt, if left unchecked can do some serious damage long term. From experience, being paralyzed by doubt can often lead to stagnation in ability as you'll be less likely to try new things. As such you'd probably be less likely to develop as an artist :(
It's the same thing for Leads of any profession, who rise to the position because of their skill, only to wind up involuntarily shelving their craft in favour of managing a Team (and the task sheets) to handle the workload. If you don't make time to continue to develop (or you have no time to invest in your own skill development) before long the Team you're managing are leaving you in their dust :) And its easy to dispair the situation and start doubting your own abilities. Just never give up! Defeat is only momentary, and I believe its true that the best storytellers (for that's who we really are as artists) are the ones that have travelled long the paths of adversity.
Naysayer grey scale illustration...
Everything you do and everything you say (and I mean everything) has an energy... and that energy has power over us; for good or ill. While challenges can lead to 'will power', self doubt can lead to 'won't power'... the trick is to use energy in a positive way so that you (and potentially others) can benefit from it. For Freaky February I decided to give my doubt a name and a face, and use it as an art opportunity to have some fun and create something... albeit a bit sinister and weird. While he is not a joy to behold, he seems less intimidating on the page than when wreaking havoc in the mind ;) Again it borders on the edge for me, but all in all Naysayer was fun to bring out for you all to see. (Craig Mullins did something similar a while back when he gave his doubt a visual persona.)
I definitely think Life is what you make of it, and more importantly how you see yourself colours how you view the World and all things in it. It's easy to doubt yourself should your peers surpass you. Its easy to doubt your place if you feel you don't have what it takes. It's easier still to become synical and even bitter if you hold onto that doubt for a long time. So... take what you've got right now. Use it... weild it like a weapon and swing it for all you are worth. For you are worth alot indeed. Never doubt your value... You can do it, so go for Yours. I know I am :)